“You deserve a good man.”
“You deserve to be treated right.”
Inevitably when this word gets thrown around, there are mixed responses. The first is the ever-present “Jesus-juker” who says, “Well, we all just deserve hell….” To which I want to reply, “Would you sign up for ‘hell’ in your relationship?” Hmm…I think not. Another response would be for girls everywhere to say, “Yeah, I do DESERVE a good man.” Which is great! However, I think we are missing a key ingredient in our recipe for great relationships. I mean is a wonderful and godly man supposed to prepare and serve all 4 courses of this relationship smorgasbord all by himself? Is that even possible?
Do I have a God-given right to a “good man” simply because I was born a female?
We have all heard someone say, “They deserve each other.” Whether that’s in a positive or negative light, it is true. You marry who you deserve. When you get married, it is not a mistake. As I said in Love and the Law of Sowing and Reaping, everything you plant in your garden will grow, and it is just as true in romantic relationships as it is in every other aspect of life.
We all dream of marrying a prince and living “happily ever after.” Some perfect dreamy man that makes all of our dreams come true. Someone kind, caring, and who puts others first. Someone who is hardworking and honest. Someone who doesn’t give up when times get tough, and someone who is prepared to be faithful and true to you and only you. That sounds so great!! ….But wait a minute. What is OUR responsibility-as women- in this fantasy? How can we expect all these things of our future spouse if we are not willing to be those things ourselves? Why do we think that a person with those character traits should have to settle for us? Why should they receive a spouse who is anything less than all the good things that they are?
Bottom line is that we do NOT deserve a good man simply because we are female, and that mind set is just seriously discouraging and, frankly, disgusting to good men. The only people who deserve good anything are those who are being good and doing good for those around them. You deserve exactly what you’re putting out there and nothing more. I don’t deserve a good man just because I’m a girl.
This truth is about to step on some toes, but not every girl deserves a good man– there are lots of girls who play around with guys and give themselves away sexually and lie and cheat and steal attention and affection, and still think they deserve a good man to treat them right. Excuse me? Do they deserve a good man to do all those things to? No. They do not.
“Well, we all deserve hell and Jesus is giving us heaven if we…” STOP RIGHT THERE. If we what? We have to make a choice in the matter too. We have to repent of our sin and turn to Jesus and accept his gift and choose to follow him with our lives. Yes, it’s free, and we don’t deserve it and we can not earn it, but it comes with a cost. We have to make a choice to lose ourselves for the cause of Christ, and then through Jesus we are made worthy of heaven.
The same principle applies here. It is our choices in dealing with God and others that make us [man or woman] deserving of being treated with love and respect. We have to be what we are looking to find….
If I want someone who is kind and caring, I have to be kind and caring.
If I want someone who is hardworking and honest, I have to work hard and be honest.
If I want someone who does their best and doesn’t give up, I have to do my best and not give up.
If I want someone who is actively pursuing Jesus Christ, I have to actively pursue Christ.
If I want someone who is going to be faithful and true to me… Guess what? I have to be faithful and true to them.
I don’t ever want to ask for someone else to be or do things that I am not willing to do myself. My standards are too high? No, I know they are not. How? Because I LIVE THEM. If you don’t live your standards, you simply have no right asking someone else to live them for you. Period.
People, we have got to raise our standards on ourselves. We can not expect to receive this wonderful person to treat us right if we are not trying to be all that we can be in Christ for the good of ourselves, our future spouse, and, ultimately, for the glory of God. We can not expect to be the person that they deserve if we don’t work on all the things we would like to have as part of our relationships and future marriage.
We need to change our thinking from “I deserve because I am a girl” to “this is the kind of relationship I want, so I will act accordingly- and I won’t put up with less from a man.” If we do this, we will grow. We will be challenged to do more for God, keep ourselves from bad decisions, honor our future spouses, and grow closer to God as a result, and make ourselves someone who is set up for a successful godly relationship.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that south to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that south to the Spirit shall of the spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galations 6:7-9
Woah so this post kinda blew my mind. Thanks so much for showing me I can’t just do whatever and still expect a good man. If I want a prince, I have to act like the daughter of the King that I am. Thank you so much for a truly mind-opening post! I just started following you on here, so to have such a helpful one for my first post to get in my emails is pretty awesome. xx
Bravo! So many women AND men need to understand this. People expect their future spouse to possess all these wonderful qualities to invest in them and the relationship, BUT what are you bringing to the table? Our spouses are not machines; they are human beings with desires and needs. Relationships are a give and take scenario.
What you said is so true and this is something my mom always told me: “You attract and get what you put out into the world”. So, if your kind, honestly, loyal, selfless and etc then you’ll attract those types of people into your life. However, if your the opposite then, that’s what will be in your inner circle. #Round of applause
I love this post especially because some time ago when i was praying for a husband God told me this “Be the man you want to marry”. I understood right away that if i want a man who is “on fire for God” then i gotta be that lady, What I sow i will reap. Since then i try as much as i can to be the best i can be. With that mentality i realized that my character, attitude, behavior and everything has gradually changed. And as the days go by i see the perfect picture of the kind of man I want to marry. I will not settle for less.God bless you Lauren for this wonderful post.
Somebody once told me that A+ people only marry A+ people and C- people marry C- people. That’s immediately what I thought of when I started reading this, so I thought that I’d share 🙂
Jenn, I love your response to this! I really like that way of looking at it!
This is so true! thanks I always read your blogs 🙂
Boom! So many people (myself included) need to read this! Love it! Thank you for always sharing your heart.
Thank you for this post! It’s encouraging to see I’m not the only one.
I feel like I was born in the wrong decade! I’m one of those guys who’s honest, treats women with respect, and has always been looking for love, rather than a fling. I think it goes without say, that I despise the hook up culture, and I think it’s ruined relationships. Though I’m a modest man, I would like to think of myself as very marriageable (This is something I’ve worked hard for all my life because I wanted to do right by the woman I eventually ended up with). Turns out it’s really REALLY hard to find a girl with similar values. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places but it seems like most men and women spend a decade making bad decisions and then when they finally have a shot with a good man/woman they think it’s enough to say “leave the past in the past” … Well if that’s the way it’s gonna be then I would have loved to make “mistakes” growing up too, it’s not exactly easy being a good man, especially in this day and age. Someone needs to create a network to make it easier for like minded people to find each other