FAQ: He really is a great guy, but…

I hear this constantly.

My boyfriend is a really good guy, but {insert something a “really good guy” would never do}

He constantly pressures me to have sex with him.
He won’t listen to me when I say “no.”
He is mean to me and my family.
He won’t stop looking at pornography.
He makes me feel bad about myself.
He manipulates me.
He cheats on me.
He isn’t saved.

This list goes on and on…

Bottom line is if He really was a “great” guy, he wouldn’t be doing these things. He wouldn’t be making you the opposite of happy. The right, good, god-honoring relationship will make you happy. It will make your life better. No, its not roses and bubbles and frosting with extra sprinkles all the time, but a real “good guy” is going to improve your life, not make it worse.

Dating someone who is not saved is not ok. Don’t be a missionary in the dating world.

Pornography is not ok. Cheating on you- not ok. Pressuring you physically is NOT ok. Not respecting your wishes or boundaries in that area is not ok. It is very hard to go back and set boundaries once you have crossed that line, but if he will not even try to respect your wishes then it is impossible.

Being mean to your family is not ok. Making you feel terrible about your appearance or your worth or your calling or personality or whatever is not ok! Girls, these are just not things good guys do!

You need to explain these feelings to him. Explain to him that you want to put God first in everything that you do in your life. Explain to him what you want for yourself and your future family. God can not get the glory out of a relationship that is ungodly and draining the life out of you. Dating someone and falling in love should be a complete JOY and something that adds so much happiness to your life… not guilt and shame and sadness. Falling in love with a good godly guy should make you a happy, better, more godly person.

You, my dear aspiring Proverbs 31 girl, deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to do what is right. You want to spend your life with someone so grounded in God that you never have to worry about him making the wrong decision in leading your family. You want to be with someone who loves you like Christ does— putting your needs and your wishes above their own. That is NOT too much to ask for, and it is NOT impossible to find. You just have to be brave enough to be patient enough to wait for it.

Pray and ask God to help you to be brave enough to say the right things and to ask the right questions. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do. Even if you have to let go entirely of this relationship, you are doing the right thing. All is not lost. Even through the hardest situations, and despite our biggest mistakes, God is still our Redeemer. And even though He may not have wanted this specific path for his lovely daughter, He can still redeem you and your story if you turn the pen over to him. He loves you so very much and wants you to run to his arms in this time and place your precious heart in his hands.

Don’t settle for the “great guy, but…” Wait for the godly man. He is out there. Don’t lose heart.

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16 comments

  1. I’m reading this with tears flowing down my cheeks. For almost 3 years now, I’ve been involved with someone who matches all of the “donts” in this post. And every time I’d get upset and leave, or he’d get upset and leave, I found myself crawling back, because I don’t think I deserve better. Deep down, I know this is a failure-past and present actions have proven such. In fact, this “relationship” has been so bad at times that my mental and physical health has been affected. And every time I express my hurt, I’m given an apology that he does not try to change from, or I’m brushed off as “crazy” or imagining things. I need prayer. I need help. Because as much as I know I need to walk away, I’m scared. Loneliness scares me. I pray for other women in my situation, who are so afraid of being alone that they settle for being treated like garbage, all in the name of saying they “have” someone. These people are not worth having. I just need to strength to fully realize this so I can cut ties.

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    • You can do it! God will never leave you or forsake you. You do NOT deserve to be treated like anything less than a daughter of a KING. And that is what you need to do whatever it takes to get to. There are good godly men. We just need to expect more for ourselves. Praying that God will strengthen your heart to do the right thing!

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    • I loved this post!

      Jennifer a guy should make u feel happy and always have your best interest. I know it’s scary to think about yourself not being with him but trust me you will learn to love it and appreciate it. This guy has shown you everything a guy shouldn’t be and you deserve SO much more!!!!! Would you rather be alone for a year or two getting your life together, doing what makes you happy and finding out new passions you never knew you had and eventually run into a guy that shares those same passions and would treat you 10x better and make u 10x happier or continue with the same disappointments???? The choice is up to you. Just remember you are a daughter of God and he only wants what’s best for you!! It’s a new year and you can bring about a new chapter in your life.

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    • I am in your same situation. Know that God CAN redeem us. I know how hard it is to leave, but I also know how much more joyful I have been since cutting off all ties with him. While I do care about him, we will never see eye to eye, and that’s not something that can be compromised. Praying for you and for me that God shows us what is next! πŸ™‚

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    • Hi!
      Thank u for this post!
      I’ll like to tell any and every girl who cares to listen that there are such great guys who have no BUTS out there!
      In our world where most people experience and eventually settle for the wrong relationship, there are still great guys out there who love God, will love their lady and stay true to her!
      Don’t let the ‘there’s no good guy out there’ lies we hear everyday make u believe less!
      I for one will be 30 this year and not only do I love the Lord, I love my partner and I’m not only gonna stay true to her till we’re married, I’ll remain faithful to her, helping her become a better Christian too!

      Nothing is impossible; trust the Lord to get ur guy ur way!

      Its well

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    • Hi Jennifer, I was in your position a few years ago. And as hard as it was to leave, I had to and he gave me no choice after really crossing my boundaries. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. You have so much ahead of you that God has planned. Go after your dreams and don’t let anyone hinder you. β™₯

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    • YOU CAN DO IT! You can leave him. Permanently. Don’t doubt yourself, girl! God is with you always, in every situation. You won’t ever be alone. Imagine how you can flourish without someone like that hindering your emotional, and spiritual growth. You are royalty. A child of the Most High. You deserve so much better. Delete him from your life. Spend more time with family, friends, and most importantly, God. He’ll heal you. He’ll make you feel whole again. It just takes time and trust in Him. Things might feel horrible at first, but eventually you’ll be so glad that you got out of this. I believe in you. πŸ™‚

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  2. Reading this, I feel so lucky to have found someone like my boyfriend. He is the opposite of all the negatives you’ve listed. No pressures, waits on me, adores me, got me a bible recently to make me start reading it, makes me go to church, tells me I’m beautiful even when I know I look awful. ^_^
    And I totally agree with “have patience”

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  3. i love this post. i read everyone of them πŸ™‚
    ive been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs. i love him and he really is a great guy but….hes not saved. you see, when i met him, i wasnt saved. we were best friends and our relationship grew deeper as i was growing deeper in my faith. he is amazing to me & my children. he believes in god and i truly feel by his actions that he wants to grow closer to god. we attend church together & implement gods words into our relationship. we both want a godly foundation. i hv several christian friends who tell me to leave him cause he isnt saved.

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    • Hi Michelle!

      I am overjoyed to hear from all of my sisters in Christ as I am reading this tonight πŸ™‚

      Talk to your boyfriend about his relationship with Jesus! Listen to him and communicate. Look to God about it all- every bit. I am happy he is so good to you. May you two both look to our King together as one.

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  4. @ Jennifer: It is far better to be alone than to live with constant criticism and strife. Think for a moment about all the good guys who will not date you, because you are spoken for by some jerk who isn’t nice to you or the people you love. Stop the cycle and ditch the guy. Look down the road…can you see yourself submitting to him, will he make a good father for your children? Handsome is as handsome does. You have the power to walk away. Stop returning calls, don’t look back, and if he is bothering you change your numbers, and seek professional help.( i.e. get a restraining order if necessary.)

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  5. “It is very hard to go back and set boundaries once you have crossed that line, but if he will not even try to respect your wishes then it is impossible.”

    SO TRUE! I just want to make sure your dear readers catch that line!

    Then go break up with him (or her – some girls are like this). You don’t even owe them a long drawn out talk on this point. A simple, “I told you my sexual purity is very important to me, and yet you continue to pressure me to violate it. I not only cannot be with someone who won’t honor those standards. I realize now that I shouldn’t even be with someone who doesn’t SHARE those standards. And you don’t. I hope you change some day, because I think you’ll become a freer, stronger, more joyful person if you do, but I can’t help you change in this area. I’ve already let you change me in this area. For the worse. But not anymore. Someday, I hope you’ll be able to understand why I’ve made this decision.”

    And what a great vision for dating: “Falling in love with a good godly guy should make you a happy, better, more godly person.”

    Thanks again, Lauren!

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  6. This is such a great post in more than one way. If I can be of any encouragement, even though there is plenty in this blog already, it would be the same advice on being patient. I speak as a 25 year old single man who gets hammered by friends and family from time to time about still being single. Over this past Christmas my mother asked me, once again, if I was “seeing” anyone. And she began to push even more about how she is ready to have grandchildren from me. Now, I know that the pressure on me may not even come close to the pressure you ladies deal with but at the same time it is pressure nonetheless. As a guy, one of our greatest fears is failure. Especially when it comes to my mom who raised 3 men as a single parent. But I know that my patience is not just benefiting me in the long run but it will affect and benefit my present and future family. So the answer to her and you, in reference to being single, is that I’ve met plenty of the right girls and none of the right women. Not that these women are bad I just knew they weren’t who I’m going to marry. So don’t compromise your worth and who you are in God because of the pressures around you. Jesus didn’t say we wouldn’t have a burden to carry but He said He gives us His and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). Not to mention, when we are yoked up with Jesus, we don’t have to risk compromising things like standards because we become the co-pilot allowing God to lead us in the right direction.

    With love,
    @sirjeremytodd

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  7. I’ve been dating a guy for three months, I like him, and alk my friends are so happy for me because of this boy coming to my life. He loves Christ, he is awesome, he treats me with respect, and weeks ago he asked me to be his girlfriend, which I responded no, because I think we have been in the process of getting to know better as friends for too little, and it’s too soon for becoming a couple, my Youth leader from my church also told me to enjoy this friendship more, before getting into a relationship. Things are already said, he agreed with me, sometimes is hard because not everyone understands my choices and make me doubt about it. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice of waiting more, and I wonder if he get to know another girl. But this words “God is my Reedemer” really encourage me that even if I should have gotten deeper with this guy, my God is able to redeem my story, and He is taking care of me. Meanwhile I’m enjoying Jesus, his love and complete satisfaction.

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  8. As a young man who is seeking to put God first and live a life that brings honor to him I found this very encouraging. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship because it seems girls don’t like me. I know God is in control and he is protecting me but it’s still hard when all your friends are getting married. It’s good to know that girls are out there who want to put God first and honor him with their lives.

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