Getting out of the "Friend Zone": a how-to for the guys

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Oh the “friend zone.” One of my biggest pet peeves. This mystical valley that has been plaguing the Internet for far too long. The “friend zone” is the place where boys go to feel sorry for themselves, stroke their bruised egos, and make every girl who rejects them into an evil spawn of satan.

Not very attractive if you ask me.

Here are some of my thoughts on this immature, selfish, ungodly mindset. Hear me out, please. I beg of you.

First of all, if there actually is a “friend zone” at all, it is something nice, decent, and caring that women do in order to be considerate of their male friends’ feelings. It is really her way of showing that she really does care about you, appreciates and respects you as a person, and values your friendship. Look, I understand that you are fantastic and clearly should be on the “world’s most eligible bachelors” list, but the fact is that not everyone is going to fall in love with you like I have. You can’t always have what you want. That goes for girls and guys. Just because someone rejects you, does not only mean that you are not unloveable, but it also means that THEY are not evil, an idiot, or oblivious to how you feel. They simply aren’t attracted to you. [For whatever reason that may be.]

See, you, as a guy, get to pick and choose who it is you want to pursue. Girls, if they are doing it right and not chasing the men all over creation, don’t have that option. Therefore, they are going to be the ones who do more of the rejecting. [Doesn’t mean we don’t get rejected too and need this advice as well.] She could be a horribly mean person about it or not care at all and blow you off completely or throw your heart back in your face and stomp on it when it hits the ground, but if you have retreated to your “friend zone,” I’m guessing she didn’t do this. If she did, she’s a meanie…. Move on.

Secondly, ALL girls don’t put good guys in the “friend zone.” ALL girls aren’t only attracted to “losers or jerks or idiots.” If you claim that to be true from your limited experience, then you are either severely narrowing your options down to that one girl you so desperately want….or maybe something is wrong with the type of girls YOU choose.

There is no doubt in my mind that even you have “friend zoned” a girl or two in your life that you could be dating, but you choose to be upset and angry with the girls who choose the idiots over you. The truth is smart girls know what they deserve and know a good thing when they see it. Don’t you want someone who knows what’s good for them? I know you’re probably thinking, “No, the girl I like is much smarter than that..” But if she actually did choose this jerk/idiot/loser over you, then she’s not right? She’s not smart. She’s not worth it.

Lastly, remember this. The “friend zone” is the horrible magical place that only YOU can put yourself in. You have built it with your own hands. Once rejected, you have 2 options. Option #1: You can either retreat to the “friend zone” licking your wounds and walking around with a scowl on your face for the rest of your life telling people how you’ve been wronged desperately clinging to hope or trying to convince/guilt/manipulate someone into dating you. OR. Option #2: you can appreciate and value your friendship with this other person even if you are not going to “get” anything from them except for that, TRUST GOD, and move on with your life. Being stuck in the “friend zone” really is your choice.

You say all these girls are missing out on great guys because they are sticking them in the “friend zone,” but I think the question is, “Which great girls are YOU missing out on because you have chosen to stay stuck in this “friend zone” over this one girl?”

I constantly tell girls to stop pining over these guys who don’t see their worth in Christ. For whatever reason, you’ve been rejected. It happens to everyone. That’s life. However, your beautiful, wonderful proverbs 31 woman is not going to come down into your depressing, self-indulgent shack in the “friend zone” to find you. She will, however, be attracted to a man of God who trusts in Him no matter the circumstances because he knows he is doing right and God has a plan.

Guys, you are loveable, you are enough, you are courageous, you are amazing! Tear down this facade. Be brave. Be strong. Be the man of God we know you can be. Don’t give up… Because there are godly girls waiting for you to come find them. Stop burying yourself in the “friend zone” and go find a girl who will make you her hero. Go!

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10 comments

  1. How about actually enjoying the “friend zone” instead of whining about it? “Just being friends” isn’t always so awful. Sometimes it’s nice to simply be friends without the pressure of a relationship, even if you ARE attracted to that person.

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  2. Excellent advice, ultimately I agree that the whole “friend zone” idea is a pity party. What a waste of time. If anything having an extra friend, who is a sister in Christ, is an asset and if it’s not a welcome asset to that gentleman he may as well move onward. Life is too short to cry over spilled milk.

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  3. Yes! Sulking and pretending like, because this didn’t happen in YOUR timetable, that it has happened wrongly, is like saying, “God, what is your problem? Can’t you even do your JOB!” <- which is funny, because God's job isn't to make us happy. God knew what He was doing. AND, if someone did something awful, they did it outside of what God said was ok, and that's on THEM. Point being, God knows what we need and what we want. He does the first and takes the second into account (if we're wanting it in a godly way). Always, always, ALWAYS in THAT order.

    Nothing is more attractive – absolutely nothing – to a godly woman than a man who is a) secure in his identity in Christ (friend zone or not), b) not looking for anything God can't give him, and c) waiting for the right timing, and if God brings her, the right woman.

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  4. As a 19 year old girl who is considered extremely picky by most when it comes to boys….I could not have said this any better. Its frustrating and annoying when your casted as the bad guy because you don’t give every guy who asks a chance with you. NO! If I don’t see a future with you, I’m not wasting your time or emotions or mine.

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  5. I agree with this. I don’t even own a bikini. Yeah I wont look like I want to but I would rather not stand out in the wrong kind of way. I want a guy who is who he is and sees me for who I am, someone to have a strong Godly relationship with. It helps doing that so you don’t worship ur partner and worship God with ur partner. I dont care if Jr a nerd, I see way deeper than that. I personally like shy guys I guess they just seem less full of themselves.

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  6. I agree completely with every word you said, and every point mentioned. However, I’d like to add, how/why do guys (and girls) make “friend zoned” a bad thing? Sometimes the person isn’t ready for a relationship, maybe neither one of you are. It’s ALL in God’s timing, and maybe it’s his plan to “friend zone” you. Maybe he would like you to heal from the past, or open your eyes to things unseen. Maybe he just wants you to grow a friendship with whomever before falling in love years down the road. I don’t know about other girls, but I hope to date or, maybe even, fall in love with a friend. I just see the whole “friend zone” concept as, like you said, a pity party. Which it honestly shouldn’t be. Be thankful they’re not wasting your time and feelings and let you down (hopefully) easy.
    I love your blog and it gives me great insight on topics to learn more about and research in my bible. Thanks for all the encouragement! (:

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  7. Great article. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I recently placed myself in this situation. From a guys point of view, it is definitely harder to be just friends when your feelings for her are more than just friends.
    I did try to be just friends but it was quite difficult. Now I feel like I’m losing a great friend because I had to distance myself so I can move on.
    I would like to also point out that for me, I would have much preferred it if she would have said “Sorry, but your not my type. But I would want to stay as friends.” or something like that. I would have been okay with it. For me, it is easier to stay as friends when in that situation.
    Just my own personal observations in life.
    Again, a great read. ^_^

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  8. Girls, if there is a guy crushing on you, you should in a kind way tell him that you only see him as a friend and nothing more. It’s better that you tell him sooner than later.he will appreciate it.

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  9. Lauren, I really admire your honesty in every blog you write…I can tell when you address these issues to guys, you’re not doing it to tear them down and make them feel bad for their faults. The way you write is like giving them a wake up call, because you care about them and don’t wish to see them go down a miserable path. I personally like how you write with conviction mixed with encouragement, wisdom, and biblical truth. I know you’re far from perfect, but you’re doing a great job helping this young generation of men and women. May God continue to work in and use you and may you continue to allow yourself to be used. Keep it up sista! :]

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