How I See It: a dating tip for the guys

I was told I should write more posts to the guys.  Personally, I would rather see a strong man get up and write posts to the men. You should check out my brothers blog BoldandUnashamed.com where several men post their thoughts and findings on how to be real Christian men today. I’m not exactly qualified to write about the struggles of being a man in today’s society. I know what God expects of men but I don’t think it is my place to tell them how to be men. As a woman, I can only encourage you in what women would like to see- men stand up and be the men that God has asked of them, love God with all their heart, and protect us from the world. I can also attempt to help you understand a little about women so that you can have successful relationships.  So here is just a little something for you to think about. Hopefully it will enlighten you just a little. :]

You don’t know how many times  I have had to explain this to men.  I tell them… This is VERY important. If you can understand this, it will make your life soooo much easier.  They inevitably brush it off, and then come back to me later and tell me that my advice actually worked!  I guess I know a little bit about girls.. Who knew?  ;] ok so here it is…

Guys, have you ever had an argument with a girl? Have you ever felt like girls are impossible to argue with because they are too emotional and ridiculous?  If you answered yes to these questions, then pay attention.

You, as a man, you see everything in black and white. {This is what happened, and this is what didn’t happen.} Girls do not see things this way. Girls see everything situation through a pair of 3D rainbow glasses called “feelings.”  What may have happened in any given situation is only interpreted to the girl by what she saw through these glasses. I’ve had a few arguments in my life, and I know the tendency of a man is to try in vain to force the girl to take off the glasses and see things in black and white, and the girl in vain tries to force the man to see things in color through her glasses. And this is why arguments over nothing escalate to arguments over everything and end in tears or one person apologizing but still feeling completely misunderstood.

Women are not crazy. Women are sometimes sensitive, more emotional, and see things differently than men, but they are not crazy. God made women exactly how they are and should be for every role they are to fulfill that a man can not just as he made men exactly how they are and think to fulfill their role. A woman’s feelings are a very real thing. Not something they make up in their head, and they serve very big and important and useful roles in the world today. The worst thing a man can do especially during and argument is to try to make them think like a man. Men completely ignore the “glasses” she sees the situation through because he doesn’t understand them. He can’t empathize. Men have emotions and feelings, but they don’t matter to him right now because they don’t have a role in the situation he is dealing with. However, they are everything to her.

Here is the good news, guys. You don’t have to take the glasses off of her, you don’t even have to look through the glasses yourself. You simply have to see the glasses and acknowledge that they are there. This is called validating a woman’s feelings- making them important- telling her they matter. There is nothing more comforting  to a woman than knowing she is understood and her feelings are important to you. You don’t have to feel these things with her, you don’t even have to understand why she felt this way, you simply have to acknowledge that she did.

It doesn’t matter if you are dating or married, this is how women work. Let me break this down for you with this silly example.  Say you are married and you had a busy day at work and the really big important sporting event is on, and you forget to do the dishes….again. Well that’s what happened isn’t it? You forgot. The game was on. You will do the dishes. You just didn’t yet. Well your poor wife who has worked all day too and came home to cook dinner for you is a little hurt. She is feeling neglected and unappreciated. Of course that’s not how you intended to make her feel. You just took her out last weekend and spent the day with her and you appreciated everything she does.  So you could do one of two things. You can explain the situation for what it is, and explain that it is ridiculous for her to feel that way, which will make her  instantly more upset and defensive of her feelings.  Or you can acknowledge the glasses that she is looking through and say the magic words–  “I’m sorry you feel this way.” Even better is when you say, “I’m sorry I made you feel this way.”  Because the truth is that you did, even when you didn’t mean to {if you unintentionally hit someone with your car, you would probably apologize and acknowledge your responsibility for their pain.}, and she can’t just stop feeling a certain way because you said so. This makes her feelinga valid- important- real.

A magical thing happens when you acknowledge a woman’s feelings especially in the middle of an argument. The woman then feels that it is safe and ok to feel those things, and most often, suddenly does not see the need to feel them any longer. More often than not, she will suddenly peak over her glasses and see the situation for the way you see it…. All because you acknowledged the way she saw it. She won’t say, “Ya.. You’re right! You’re a big mean jerk!”  but she probably will say something like, “Thank you.. You’re right… I know that you didn’t mean to….”

I know there are a thousand things to be argued about and this is a silly example, but no matter if it is something small or big, acknowledging a woman’s feelings  can make a huge difference in how she responds to you. The glasses are not coming off so don’t try to force it. You will forever see things slightly different than each other by God’s design. each of your points of view are helpful to your relationship in so many ways. The key is to embrace the differences even when they cause conflict.

I hope this helps a little bit on your journey of understanding women… {Haha!} And if you don’t believe this is the truth, then just try it out sometime, and you let me know how it goes.

 

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3 comments

  1. Very good advice and we need to do that more often. It is just a little hard for us to learn to take off our black and white glasses, but when we do, things are much easier for both of us. I made the mistake of not doing that last night and it made a little problem bigger.

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  2. Great thoughts! I’ve been coming around to this way of thinking for about a year now. Stressing that her feelings are real and need to be acknowledged is so crucial.

    Like

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