Let's Talk About Sex

This is an excellent guest post by my brother, Richard DeMoss, from his blog Bold and Unashamed. Go Check it out! Side note: I took the liberty of adding my own thoughts {since I am his sister I am allowed} to make it a collaboration type piece. My words are in PINK.

A phrase you will never hear in most church services across the world. “Let’s talk about sex.” Most young people today who come to the church with questions about sex or struggling with this issue are met with silence. Even the word sex has become a dirty word, meant for late-night talk shows and ABC family. A discussion about sex has no place in the church, no place in the youth group. Don’t talk about it, don’t think about it, and maybe it will go away.

The problem is, the discussion does go away. It goes right where parents and churches can’t help. The world. Everything that a young person wants to know, and more. A discussion about sex is easy to find; anywhere but the church.

In this generation, more than ever, we are inundated with the idea and images of sex everywhere we look. School systems are forcing sex education on children as young as 5. If we don’t start getting loud about purity, then we will LOSE the battle in our generation and the generations to come.

A couple weeks ago I posed a question on Twitter: Why is it important to you to stay pure? The response I got was overwhelming. So many young people wanting to stay pure. I was so encouraged. But for every person who has decided to stay pure, there are thousands who don’t really understand “what the big deal is”. Why is it so important to stay pure? It’s not hurting anyone right?

So here we are. I want to take some time and talk about the taboo that is sex. I want to show you, from God’s perspective, why it is so important to stay pure. My hope is that in the midst of your search for answers, you will see this, and join the team of young people deciding to stay pure in this sin-sick world.

Let’s talk about sex.

1. Sex is not a dirty word.

Too many times in a young Christian’s life, they are met with silence when they have questions about sex. Or are too afraid to ask at all for fear of sounding evil or perverted. Churches don’t talk about it. Parents choke up and avoid the conversation. “Don’t have sex; or you’ll get pregnant and die.” When we don’t get answers from our parents, we turn to our friends, which is rarely a good idea.  A bunch of pre-teens, who cant stop laughing at the word poop, talking about sex. When that doesn’t satisfy, we turn to the internet. Now that’s a great idea. They can’t put anything on the internet that isn’t true, right?

So instead of getting our information from solid, biblical sources, we get it from the dung-heap that is the internet.  We make sex a dirty thing, something we search for in the dark when we’re alone.

Warning: Sex on the internet is not real sex. Pornography, a topic the church is as silent on if not more, is not what God created sex to be, and it is not harmless. Please get that the damage that is done by pornography is far more than the average person realizes. The fact is the more time you spend in this fantasy world, the more difficult it becomes to make the transition to reality. Just like drugs, pornography provides a quick fix, a universe people can get stuck in. This can result in their not being able to involve anyone else.” Meaning men addicted to pornography eventually can not have normal relations with real women.

It also skews men’s perspective when it comes to women. Unlike real life, the pornographic world is a place in which men find their authority unchallenged and in which women are their willing, even grateful servants. It’s sick. Satan has successfully twisted what God has created to be beautiful and saved for marriage and destroyed it with one fatal swipe. Pornography is a lie. It promotes lies about men, women, and human relationships. Even when in a loving relationship, men who have used porn say that, all too often, they see their partner through a kind of “pornographic filter”. Do the research yourself! Even secular studies and psychologists say this. Porn is like alcoholism: it clings to you like a leech….. and it only gets darker and more disgusting. In its severest form, it can even lead to sexual crime. That is disgusting. That is dirty.

But sex isn’t dirty. In fact, its quite the opposite.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” –Hebrews 13:4

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply…”-Genesis 1:28

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”-Genesis 2:24

Sex isn’t the dirty act that it has transformed into. Sex was created by God. Get this: God is the author of sex! He has created sex as the union of a man and woman, an act both intimate and beautiful. Sex was created for us.

2. Sex was created for marriage.

Notice the verses above. In all these verses God is speaking specifically about a marriage relationship. Sex is a gift, when it is inside the confines of marriage.

When you take sex outside of the sanctity of marriage is when sex becomes sin. Inside the marriage relationship, sex is an expression of love, of commitment. Outside of marriage, sex becomes cheap.  Sex becomes like any other hobby. When sex is viewed as an extracurricular activity, it loses all the beauty that God had originally given it. Love becomes lust. Commitment becomes self-satisfaction.

There’s no getting around it. Sex outside of marriage is sin.

“Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.” –1 Corinthians 6:13b

“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

God is 100 percent against pre-marital sex. Period.

“And the flesh is that reprehensible preference for self that lurks within every one of our hearts. It is that base and selfish instinct to preserve our own interests at the expense of God’s interests. It’s devious, it’s deceitful, it’s self-indulgent. It’s interested only in selfish comfort and will happily crucify Christ afresh to secure it. God also has another name for it- sin.” -Eric Ludy.

3. Sex outside of marriage is dangerous.

Not only is it following God’s plan to stay pure until marriage, it’s smart! You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that abstinence is the healthiest way to live. Sixty-five million people are living with STDs in the United States alone, with 15 million people contracting new infections every year.

No type of birth control protects against sexually transmitted diseases like Chlamydia, HPV, or herpes; and are no guarantee against AIDS. Hundreds of thousands of women are discovering that they cannot have children due to pelvic inflammatory disease caused by chlamydia. Pelvic inflammatory disease is, in fact, one of the causes of the declining birth rate. Again, 90% of those with Chlamydia have no symptoms.

HPV (human papilloma virus) leads to warts on one’s genitals that need to be burned off. Sometimes these warts can spread to one’s hands, and then it can be passed to any babies that one is caring for. However, the greatest risk is to women caused by HPV is cervical cancer.

Herpes also leads to embarrassing and painful sores. If a baby is delivered naturally during the mother’s first bout of herpes, the baby will be infected leading in many cases to either the babies death or brain damage.

Girls, of the 30 sexually transmitted diseases, 26 damage women, the other 4 damage both. Guys aren’t off the hook though. When it comes to marrying, what are they bringing their wife? Her risk of infection has nothing to do with whether he used a condom or got tested. Her risk of infection has everything to do with him having BEEN sexually active.

Think young people are immune? Think again. 50% of sexually active young people will contract an STD by 25. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like those odds.

It gets worse. It’s estimated that around 1 in 5 people over the age of 12 has genital herpes. Of those infected, only 10-25 percent know they are infected. WOW. If you fool around, the House will win, every time. Having sex outside of marriage is like playing Russian roullette, with more than one bullet in the gun. Staying pure is a great way to reduce your rick of sexually transmitted infections. (You don’t say!)

Not only is sex outside of marriage dangerous physically, it’s dangerous emotionally. Sex is an intimate act created for husband and wife. When we forsake God’s plan for our plan, we destroy a part of us we can’t get back.

The act of sex creates a bond between two souls. One that is not supposed to be broken or taken lightly. God literally created sex to bind a man to his wife and a wife to her husband. When we choose the world’s way of engaging in all the sexual activity we want with whomever we want, the bond created by sex gets lesser and lesser with each partner. What we have left for marriage is a used up body and a disillusioned soul. No wonder there is so much infidelity in the world. Sex- the beautiful God-given covenant between and man and his wife- has been used up and destroyed. Sex is no longer sacred to this world, but for those who choose purity, sex is still beautiful.

“From 17 to 18, I was very promiscuous. That sick, used feeling of having given  a precious part of myself – my soul – to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I’d pay so dearly and for so long.” -Young woman in her 30′s

“I would do anything, ANYTHING, to forget the sexual experiences I had before I met my wife. . . the pictures of the past and the other women go through my head, and it’s killing any intimacy. The truth is, I’ve been married to this wonderful woman for eight years and I have never been ‘alone’ in the bedroom with her.” – A young husband.

“It’s not  something you want on your conscience, that you’ve caused a girl to have deep emotional problems. The thing I regret most of all about high school is the time I single-handedly destroyed a girl.” -A young man.

Guys, your future wife deserves more than an empty shell of what used to be. Ladies, your husband deserves to have your whole heart, not the broken pieces of your shattered purity. Purity is not only right, it’s smart.

There are not only physical consequences, but psychological and physiological.

Men “imprint” on their first sexual experience. Author, marriage counselor, and Pastor Mark Gungor puts it like this, “Some years ago, while doing some video taping of cranes in the wild from a helicopter, I learned of how these birds “imprint” when they are first born. In other words, whatever creature they first interact with after birth, they assume it is their mother, even if it is a human. I immediately thought of what first-time sex does to a man. This overwhelming new experience IMPRINTS on him and he connects the context with the experience. Those who have their first sexual experience outside of marriage imprint on the lust of illicit sex – those who have their first sexual experience in the context of marriage imprint on the girl. NOTHING impacts a man like his first sexual experience.”

What about women? Mark goes on to say, “When a woman experiences sex without commitment, she soon learns (falsely) that sex means little to nothing. Why? Because nothing happens as a result: no meaningful relationship ensues – he may never even call her or talk to her again. She has inaccurately learned that sex and commitment are two completely separate issues, which they are not. As for the physiological damage, science shows us that when a woman has sex with a man, a chemical called oxytocin is released into her system. Oxytocin is a neuro-peptide most commonly associated with pregnancy and breast-feeding. It seems to act as a human superglue and helps a woman bond with her infant. This chemical also helps a woman bond with her lover during sex. New scientific studies, however, suggest that if a woman has multiple sexual partners, this will lower her levels of oxytocin which in turn can inhibit her ability to bond to her husband. According to an article by Drs. John Diggs and Eric Keroack, “People who have misused their sexual faculty and become bonded to multiple persons will diminish the power of oxytocin to maintain a permanent bond with an individual.”

4. God forgives.

You’ve made mistakes. You’ve compromised your purity. Now you feel like there’s nothing you can do to get it back. I’m about to tell you the best news, for all of us. God forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. –1 John 1:9

I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. –Isaiah 43:25

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. –Psalm 103:12

God will forgive you of your past impurity if you will ask him. God is faithful. God is merciful. You can start being pure today. Don’t ever think it’s too late to start over.

It is also a comfort to those who have already made mistakes in this area. Having made mistakes in this area does NOT make you un-marriable. There is more than enough mercy and grace in Jesus Christ to cover any and all sin if we repent and ask forgiveness. Praise God that He is so good not to hold any of our sin against us, and our souls have been redeemed by the blood. Minds can be renewed, and godly marriages can be built.

__________________________

If you have stayed pure up to this point, wow. I am so proud of you. God is so proud of you. You have come so far. You are some of the strongest people in the world. God will bless you if you stay pure. Your wedding night will be the best night of your life, because you will have no regrets.

If you are just deciding to stay pure, I am so proud of YOU. Starting today, forge a path of purity in your life. Make the changes you need to. God has forgiven you and will bless you.

Above all, refuse to be silent when it comes to sex. Show the world that you have decided to be pure. There are young adults all over the world looking for answers. You can be the one to show them the truth. You never know who you will influence, what young person’s life you will change by your testimony. Go show the world that we are not going to compromise our purity for temporary pleasure. We are staying pure, and we are bold and unashamed of it.

Let us be men and women who take a stand for purity– not just in not having sex, but in correcting the lies of the world when it comes to it. Let’s really protect the sanctity of biblical marriage. Let’s encourage others to protect their purity. Let’s boldly speak out and be proud to be men and women who will do it God’s way and wait for marriage.

I am convinced that the human heart hungers for constancy. In forfeiting the sanctity of sex by casual, nondiscriminatory “making out” and “sleeping around,” we forfeit something we cannot well do without. There is dullness, monotony, sheer boredom in all of life when virginity and purity are no longer protected and prized.”  -Elisabeth Elliot

About the Author

Richard DeMoss is the founder at Bold and Unashamed. He is also a high-school teacher with a burden for young Christians. While traveling around the country visiting churches, he saw first-hand many problems that Christians face today, which prompted Richard to start Bold and Unashamed. Since then, it has become a movement to inspire a new generation to be unapologetic in their faith. In addition to blogging, he enjoys bacon, Jeopardy, bacon, colorful socks, and bacon.
Follow him on twitter HERE
Like the Bold and Unashamed facebook page HERE
And go like thefulltimegirl facebook page, too! HERE please and thank you :]
Advertisements

13 comments

  1. Love the collaboration. Thankyou for such a powerful message. Wanted to ask, because I believe your the right person to do this and impact a lot of young ladies since we are in the subject of purity. A lot of girls ( self included) still hold on to the the sexual hurt that’s been done to them (rape,harassment, incest) & do not feel pure or worthy of marriage. What would you say to those still hurting? Perhaps another entry….thankyou so much for your encouragement, you truly are an inspiration

    Like

  2. I cannot tell you how much of a relief it is to hear this! I am a young teen and I have been confused whether it was bad or not. I always had the promise to stay pure. No one had just ever talked to me about it. I agree with every word of this article. I am now not confused. I thank The Lord for your words! xx

    Like

  3. This is an amazing article. I shared this to my friends on Facebook and I hope they all read this. Possible thought for a future article related to this “Being called a virgin is not an insult, it should be considered a compliment”

    Like

  4. A great question to ask in this era of people thinking sex can be used without meaning:

    If sex is just physical, why does childhood abuse have such a profound and lasting effect?

    Like

  5. Please do not take this comment to as argumentative at all. I just wanted to speak up as a woman who is married to a man who was sexually active before our marriage. Of course it is not ideal and he regrets what he did. HOWEVER, there is grace and redemption in this area just as much as any other area of sin. Aside from one sentence you did not really talk about how IT CAN be okay and things can work because of God’s love and grace. I’m afraid that I got the sense from reading this that girls should be somewhat scared to marry someone who has already had sex. EVERYTHING can be forgiven and redeemed. People are broken and sin daily. I do agree with much that you posted, but I felt compelled to speak up about what I think as well. Thanks for being who you are.

    Like

    • I agree. All sin can be forgiven, but consequences do remain. I would be cautious to marry someone who has already had sex depending on the situation. If I have saved my body for marriage than I have the choice whether or not to marry someone based on that criteria. Yes, godly marriages can be built upon a forgiven foundation because we are ALL sinners. However, people should know the risks involved so that no one can ever say— no one ever told me.

      Like

  6. Great article. I enjoyed reading about it. One suggestion I would have is to cite where you got all of the statistics and percentages and facts so that people who read it can go to the original sources for exploring and deepening their own convictions.

    Thank you
    Lorena

    Like

  7. Great article! Nowadays, I get weird looks when I tell people that I’m pure! That’s the part of me that I honestly love. I don’t care if I’ve been dating a guy forever, until I’m married, I’m not doing anything. More young adults need to take a stand for purity because it’s not something to be ashamed of! I know that I’m definitely not ashamed! Great article on a topic that I’m passionate about! 🙂

    Like

  8. Follow you on IG and love what I’ve seen on your blog so far- just attended a night at our church for the new study/ book authentic intimacy, by Linda dillow/ Julie slattery…. A very refreshing take on intimacy, womanhood, forgiveness and the JOY and freedom we can have in sex. How He doesn’t want us to settle, but to have true intimacy and enjoy it! Great evening of 600+ women talking freely and exploring truth. Definitely a Resource to look into (and I’ve been married for 13 years! )

    Like

  9. I’m not usually one to comment on things, but I just love this post! When I was about 13 I made a promise to myself and God that I won’t even kiss until my wedding day. And I prayed for my future husband… and what do you know we (my now husband and I) both had the same convictions. So when it came to getting our wedding night there was no need for feeling inferior or having to compare anything. It was pure and undefiled love… I’m not saying this like, oh look at me I did the right thing. I just want EVERYONE to be able to experience this kind of joy without regrets.
    I had so many times where I would sit down with girls younger than me with whom I had great relationships with, and we would talk about staying pure and they would act like I was crazy and old fashioned. Or that I was just a “holy joe”. And so I’m so happy for bloggers like you and your brother who can write it and say it like it is. Showing the consequences of giving in to fleeting pleasures. And that sex isn’t dirty, its beautiful and intimate and it only belongs to you and your spouse. That you dont have to buy into the world’s lie that its harmless and fun… because a price will be paid no matter what. And if we have Jesus with us in every situation, in our mind and hearts we’ll maybe think just a bit harder about what we really want in the long run, not what we want right here right now.
    You are an inspiration, thank you…

    Like

  10. Thanks so much for the article. I am teenager and yes, it is so confusing when it comes to purity or sex, or similar things. My parents are raising me in the faith and christianity but i feel like they never want and never would talk with me about this article. I used to be angry, confused but your posts are encouraging and i will do what god says is right, thanks, great blog?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s