This issue is considered too taboo for discussion in most churches, but it is unbelievably devastating and far far more prominent than you think. I promise.
Do you know how many of the men in our society watch porn on a regular basis? Let me tell you, if you don’t, you are considered “not normal.” Do you know how many Christian men watch porn on a regular basis? ….. FAR more than you think. Do you know how accessible free pornography is on the internet? You most definitely can find it faster than finding this blog. Don’t think it can affect you?
*38% of adults believe there is nothing wrong with pornography use
Morality Continues to Decay. Barna Research Group, 3 November, 2003.
*March 20, 2007: At a men’s summit in Oregon before 2,000 men, Shelley Lubben of Shelley Lubben ministries challenged those who were struggling with porn addiction to stand. 30% rose to their feet. She immediately challenged them a second time, with the result that some 70% were standing.
*April 6, 2007: 70% of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives. From a non-scientific poll taken by XXXChurch, as reported by CNN.
*In March of 2002 Rick Warren’s (author of the Purpose Driven life) Pastors.com website conducted a survey on porn use of 1351 pastors: 54% of the pastors had viewed Internet pornography within the last year, and 30% of these had visited within the last 30 days.
*47% of families said pornography is a problem in their home.
Focus on the Family Poll, October 1, 2003.
*These and other statistics can be found here: http://www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/pornstats
Do you realize how destructive it is to your relationship?
Probably not.
These are the facts:
According to “Men and Porn” by Edward Marriott, published in the Guardian in 2003, David Morgan, consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst at the Portman Clinic in London, which specializes in problems relating to sexuality and violence, describes pornography as “transitional, like a rehearsal for the real thing. The problem with pornography begins when, instead of being a temporary stop on the way to full sexual relations, it becomes a full-time place of residence.” Morgan’s experience of counseling men addicted to porn has convinced him that “the more time you spend in this fantasy world, the more difficult it becomes to make the transition to reality. Just like drugs, pornography provides a quick fix, a universe people can get stuck in. This can result in their not being able to involve anyone else.” Meaning men addicted to pornography eventually can not have normal relations with real women.
It also skews mens perspective when it comes to women. Unlike real life, the pornographic world is a place in which men find their authority unchallenged and in which women are their willing, even grateful servants. It’s sick. Satan has successfully twisted what God has created to be beautiful and saved for marriage and destroyed it with one fatal swipe. Pornography is a lie. It promotes lies about men, women, and human relationships. Even when in a loving relationship, men who have used porn say that, all too often, they see their partner through a kind of “pornographic filter”. Do the research yourself! Even secular studies and psychologists say this. Porn is like alcoholism: it clings to you like a leech….. and it only gets darker and more disgusting. In its severest form, it can even lead to sexual crime.
____________________
Looking around on my boyfriend’s computer, I came across pornography sites he had visited. He tried to lie to me, but eventually the truth came out. I begged and begged him to talk to his parents, get counseling with his pastor, and stop doing what he was doing. He had had a problem in the past but I was under the impression that it had been taken care of. We fought a lot about the issue and he ended up breaking up with me two weeks later because he did not want to fully give up his addiction to pornography. The following are two letters I wrote to him after our breakup.
Letter 1,
God’s plan=1 man, 1 woman, for 1 lifetime. God’s plan includes man’s needs, and it includes a woman’s needs. A man’s number 1 need is for sex, but God’s plan is for that need to be fulfilled inside of marriage. God designed men’s need for sex to be number 1 so that the man would pursue the woman, make her his number 1 priority, so that he could obtain the “prize”. This “prize” being the object of his desire after marriage, sex. If the man, however, obtains his “prize” or is being sexually satisfied outside of marriage, he no longer needs the woman. He will not long to fulfill her needs, or be the man that she desires him to be. She will not be number 1 in his life, because he does not need to give to get. If he is “getting” from pictures on a screen that he does not have to give anything to, then his desire to give is gone. His desires for the real woman and a real relationship are being used up in getting his needs met apart from her. This behavior will destroy any need for a woman in a man’s life.
I feel like I have been struggling and struggling for a long time to get you to make me your first priority. That is all I have ever wanted from you. To be your precious treasure, and to be your beautiful, special girl. I’ve told you that I felt like my life was all about you, and your life was all about you. I can only think that I was not number one in your life because something else was. Something was taking your drive and desire for only me away–You were getting your sexual satisfaction apart from a real relationship and you were clearly NOT waiting for marriage, and therefore, did not have to make me priority number 1. You were getting what you needed from girls on a screen, girls that you did not need to give anything to, girls that had no needs, all you had to do was take.
You were always frustrated because I always “needed” more from you, and you felt you couldn’t give me what I needed. You were worn out with giving me more than you felt you had to give, but you didn’t need to “give to get.” You had no desire to meet or even to worry about my needs, and it was because your needs were already being met. You had gotten for yourself. You had gotten a prize of your own making, and of Satan’s. Satan would love to present you with a false satisfaction. He will strip you of what God has meant for you to be before marriage. A man. A man that longs to fulfill a woman, so that he can gain his prize. You have taken me and marriage out of your brain as a pathway to get to sex, and therefore, no longer need to fulfill my needs or me to fulfill your needs. Any type of pornography or pictures or sexual clips from movies will wire your brain for a “result” and a relationship that is only “take” and never give.
The Bible says if a man looks at a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. This is wrong, and so so destructive to yourself.
Proverbs 7 says this about “the strange woman”
With much seductive speech she persuades him;with her smooth talk she compels him. All at once he follows her,as an ox goes to the slaughter,or as a stag is caught fast till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare;he does not know that it will cost him his life.
And now, O sons, listen to me,and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Let not your heart turn aside to her ways;do not stray into her paths, for many a victim has she laid low,and all her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is the way to Sheol,going down to the chambers of death.
It’s not just God either, there are many studies, christian and secular, done on pornography and men. Satisfying yourself sexually is like a drug and creates pathways in your brain that wires it to that result, and will make you unsatisfiable in a real, normal relationship. Even marriage will not cure you. That’s why even some married men need pornography in order to have sex with their wives.
That is so sad, and that is Not God’s plan.
“It will cost him his life” This is not something to be taken lightly. It is not only dirty pictures on the computer. It will cost you your life. It has so many costs. It has already cost you our relationship. I hope you understand I am not writing this to you to condemn you. I am writing this in tears and out of a heart of love. I have prayed for you, and I have done what I can to help you with your walk with God and keeping you accountable. You know that I only want the best for you. If I didn’t, I would not care enough to tell you this. I know that it is easier to walk away from our relationship than to deal with the sin and the shame and make it right. I know it will be long and hard, but God said not to do this. He said there is a better way. If He said not to, than you can. You can just Stop. You can overcome this. Only then will you be able to have any normal relationship. Please talk to your parents and your Pastor as soon as you can.
I am praying for you.
*******
My thoughts:
I cannot describe all the emotions going through me as I wrote this letter. I can not explain the state of my heart and my emotions as I lay on my moms bed and sobbed and sobbed over what had been done. Tears not only for me, but for what he had destroyed within himself. I cannot explain to you in a way that you will understand how utterly low I felt, how every ounce of my body and soul felt unloveable, and ugly, and worthless. I wish I could take you back to the nights I could not sleep without a couple benadryl, in the mornings when I could barely move to get out of bed, the days when I would leave my class to go cry so hard in the bathroom that I would puke in the toilet, dinner times when I couldn’t even look at my food let alone eat it. I lost 12 pounds in 10 days, and not because I didn’t want to eat, but I literally could not.
Please know that I’m not telling you this so that you will feel bad for me. I want you to know how it affects a real relationship. Guys, I want you to see so badly that this issue is not just about you. No man is an island, and this issue is one that will not only affect but ultimately destroy you and your future relationships and your future wife and your future family. Just because you may not be in a relationship does not mean you are alone. You are cheating your wife out of getting the man that she deserves. Every time you feed your flesh with pornography and the lies of Satan, you are spitting in the face of God and taking a baseball bat to your future wife. Anything outside of God’s plan not only does not satisfy, but ultimately will destroy what He has planned for you. It will truly cost you your life.
**********
Letter 2,
you know what. you are wrong.
You are wrong in thinking that your unhappiness is my fault. You are unhappy because you were in sin and you didn’t have the character to get it right in the first place. It haunted you every day of our relationship. You got found out because your sin will always find you out and you lied. Character isn’t who you are even in front of your girlfriend or even what you tell her. Character is what you are in the dark, when no one is looking, when your laptop is on.
You are wrong in bringing this into our relationship in the first place. You already had a relationship that was wrong–a relationship between you and your computer even before us. You lied to me every time you went on your computer or looked at another woman to lust. You were taking all the love you were supposed to give to me and giving it away to people who weren’t real, and giving it to yourself. You were cheating us. I was just your chick on the side.
You are wrong in the way you’ve treated me. All I have ever done was try to love you, and be the best girlfriend I could be. How could I be secure in our relationship when you were only giving me 50%? Half of your heart and half of your love…if it even was that. I gave you all of my heart and you gave your love to yourself. I wrote you that last letter brokenhearted over what you had done to our relationship, what you destroyed with your sin-what could have been a great relationship had you given 100%, and you didn’t even respond. That is cruel. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.
You are wrong in thinking that you will get away with this. You are wrong in thinking that someone else won’t find out. God will punish you, and you will never be whole or be able to love someone else fully until you give your heart completely to him. You don’t need “accountability”. You need help. You need God’s help and you need counseling. God will not tolerate this behavior in one of his children, and I won’t tolerate it either. This break up was none of my fault. You are the one who needs to change. You are the one who needs to grow up.
You are wrong if you think that I’m worried. God will give me someone who can and will treat me right. Who will love me with 100% of themselves. Who will call me beautiful and wonderful and amazing …without me having to ask or wonder or beg or plead or fight. Because my God is good and His way is right, and he has promised to take care of me, and I have given my heart to Him, and I have nothing to be ashamed or afraid of.
*********
Happy ending:
It really is a miracle of God how He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. I would not be where or who I am today without Him. I have seen and felt God’s love like no other time. I was literally saved and made whole in the shelter of His wings. He brought people and circumstances into my life that opened my eyes and led me to let go of the pain, empty myself, and let God fill me up again. I thank God for everything that happened, everything He allowed me to see, and everything He carried me through. He is so faithful, and unbelievable in his love and mercy and grace and healing, and all that I am I owe to Him.
_________________________
If you were not aware of the dangers of pornography, now you know. Girls, it is not acceptable not to ask because you don’t want to know what your guy does behind close doors. It is YOUR LIFE that he is putting at risk, and the lives of your future children if you are to stay with him. It is not acceptable by God’s standards to behave this way, and the man who does will pay the price. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is destroying themselves mentally and spiritually and physically. It is not only between him and God, but it is between him and God and his future family. No man who is involved in this sin belongs in any type of relationship with a woman at the same time. An innocent guy will gladly show you his computer to testify to his innocence.
Guys, guard heart and mind with your life. Make your computer accountable. Let people see and know what you do on the internet for your own safety. Sin doesn’t have any prejudices. If you are involved in pornography, don’t believe the lies of Satan any longer. Nothing apart from God and His plan will satisfy you, and you CAN NOT have God’s plan AND Satan’s plan at the same time. God’s Word is true, and He will judge you for what you are doing to yourselves and the people around you.
Get Help. Seek God’s face. You need to seek counseling. You need to ask your parents, and your pastor, and anyone who is a true Godly friend to help you in this area. If you are in a relationship, you need to admit your sin, because you are not only sinning against yourself, but you are cheating her as well. You need to get your heart right before God because He does not take this sin lightly. It will cost you everything.
The video below is for anyone struggling with pornography, or anyone helping someone who is struggling with it. My prayer is that through this post, people will open their eyes to the danger of this sin, and run to the arms of Jesus in whom we have all the hope in the world. He is the only one who can overcome. Come and be satisfied in Him.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8
[youtube_sc url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNSau4jwbKI]
For more info on porn and its affects on the brain visit here
thefulltimegirl.com 
A heart griping and yet intellectually grounded post. Refreshingly encouraging, “Thank you” just doesn’t convey my gratitude justly……You were still willing to stay with him after you found out? Pretty impressive……that’s a potent love.
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Wow, so true! This was so helpful to read from a girls perspective!
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I agree with everything that you said in this post. It was helpful and truthful. My only issue is that there’s not a picture of a triumphant man anywhere here. Yes, a lot of men have and do struggle with this. But there are also men who have put this to death in their lives and are pursuing holiness before God. I kinda wish that had been emphasized as well so females arent looking at every godly guy with a “I wonder how often you watch porn” side glance (and not at all saying that’s what you’re promoting, just an observation). Keep up the good work
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Well my message is that everyone should be aware of the danger, seriousness, and widespread involvement of this sin. People are really unaware of just quite how big the problem is…. EVERYONE should be kept accountable for everyone’s safety. Of course there are men who are brave enough to fight for purity! And we as women should really expect nothing less.
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Hey I loved your blog amen this is literally what everyone needs to read pause the Lord!!! Check my blog out let me know what you think we may even help each other in a spreading the word of God
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Awesome article! I remember when a lady I knew told me that she knew her husband was into porn. He’d go to bed with her and she’d get flash images of different women when they were making love. God told her what was going on.
Think about it…. No woman can compete with the pressure of a guy’s hand! It’s so true that they become unsatisfied with real women!
And,,,, they bring a curse on themselves. So many guys can’t get it up when they want to and the percentages are increasing. Coincidence? I think not!
Bless you!
BGT
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Keep up the great work!!! Sex is God’s gift in marriage – for both men and women. No wonder it is Satan’s biggest tool in our culture, to fill with lies and empty promises. Married for 25+ years, I can truly say that sex just keeps getting better!!! – the closeness, intimacy and wonder of a committed, pure relationship can’t be beat!!! No lies can ever come close. Believe it!!! It may take time, and there might be some pretty deep valleys, but it can happen – and God’s rewards are worth it.
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Lauren,
I’m not certain if we ever met while attending PCC, but I recognized you when I saw you on twitter, and the ol’ PCC connection always piques my curiosity, so of course I had to skim your blog. I came across this article and was interested in what you had to say. After nearly 6 years of marriage, I can can only confirm how great God’s plan is for purity before and throughout marriage. It is was one decision I will never regret!
As a teenager and throughout college I waited tables, and after college I managed a restaurant for nearly 5 years. Most of my employees were hostesses and waitresses, so I have been surrounded by unsaved women my entire adult life. I say that to say this, one message I don’t ever remember hearing about in church is one about women involved in the pornography business. Yes, I’ve heard messages about the whorish woman in Proverbs, all kind of messages about immorality, and men struggling with porn (and I hope I never stop hearing those sermons!) I know that in church some words such as “sex” feel inappropriate and as you stated taboo. In reality, ignoring sexual sin doesn’t make it go away, nor does it help anyone. I also agree that the subject needs to be handled delicately. anyways, I have had more waitresses involved in “adult entertainment” than most would ever imagine. Some of the avenues of involvement have been web-cam shows, phone sex operators, exotic dancers, escorts, Hooters waitresses (that’s not where I managed lol), modeling (both soft-core and hard core porn), and prostitution. The motivation behind the involvement is almost invariably money. I have overheard these women brag about how much they made doing this or that, or how they paid off all their tuition in just a few weeks or months. I often wonder to myself how many Christian women have fallen into these traps or at the very least have been tempted? I think we as Christians act like only the dregs of society are involved in this activity, but I can tell you from my limited experience that many of the offending women I have known come from well-to-do families, or families that are considered nice or stable. I wish that Christian young ladies were more informed about how this wicked industry lures in young women, what it promises them, and what mess it really produces for them.
Anywho, I hope you are well, and am happy to see you using your talents for the Lord as Christian blogger and an educator.
Thanks and Best wishes.
Jim
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Jim, did Lauren really go to PCC? I’ve never heard her say anything about it but that is so cool because I know that is one of the best colleges one can attend!
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This was like reading my last relationship almost word for word. I am going through the process right now of “why wasn’t I enough”, when clearly I know it wasn’t me with the problem. This is someone I was engaged to and we had had a fight, he left and during that time, was not only looking at porn but taking pics himself. Most these women he’s still “Friends” with on Facebook and they are 20-21 years of age. He is 43 with a 17 year old daughter. I tried every angle to get him to understand how disgusting what he’s doing is, how opposed God is to it, how it’s not glorifying God, himself nor me. I prayed many times for this all to quit but he said straight to my face when I asked him in tears, “WHY DO YOU DO THIS”,….his Re: “I’ve told you why and it’s not my fault if you don’t remember”. Real hatefully. I left and I haven’t looked back. However, like I said, it has ruined that part of me that keeps wondering “WHY” and “HOW could you do this to us.”…..
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This is a really great post. I don’t think that there is any subject too taboo to talk about. If someone in the church is struggling with something, no matter what it is, the body needs to be there for support and help and I’m glad that you made that clear.
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I always hear about men and porn and I don’t see anything wrong with that. In fact, I would like churches to talk more about pornography especially to the youth. Now, I know I don’t hear much about women and porn (and not the pornography business). Women who struggle with keeping away from sexual images, etc. would you speak to them the same way it’s done with men?
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my husbands porn addiction ended our marriage. he refused to get help, claimed it was under control, and blamed me for his problem that existed years before we even knew eachother. he forced me to work all throughout my first pregnancy while he sat at home watching for literally hours on end and when our first was born, he would watch around him. after years of fighting, he abanoned his children, his family, and is still stuck in the immature mindset porn creates. pple all over the place think porn isn’t a big deal but when you see those that God calls to be leaders and providers turning a blind eye to their responsibilities and living in their lust, there is no doubt that porn is a serious problem.
check out
#xxxchurch & #godoverporn
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I can definitely relate as my marriage also ended due to my ex’s very serious porn addiction. He was also into prostitutes, so for my health and safety I had no choice but to leave. He was so focused on getting his fix that his days revolved around porn – his time off, any downtime he had, all spent in some way in it. I asked him several times why did he get married if he knew he liked his life the way that it was before we met. He never answered me. I challenged him, but he became angry whenever I did. Our sex life was non-existent, and he spent most late nights on the sofa with porn on TV and recording it on VHS tapes.
I pray that the power of God breaks the stronghold of pornography off every person who is addicted and wants to change. God is still able to heal those who desire His help!
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[…] post was inspired in part by Lauren DeMoss’s blog entry on pornography [See Link] and aside from my own arguments, this writing is also designed to be complimentary to her points. […]
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Great article. How come women and porn are never talked about though? Everyone assumes if its porn its always a mans issue.
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I understand that you have only gone through a situation involving a man involved with porn, but what about the women? There are women who have to deal with their choices to involve themselves with porn, even if it was just simply being curious in middle school. The choice they made will, and does, haunt them for the rest of their lives.
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Thanks for writing this. About 3 years ago, my fiancé revealed to me that he was involved in porn. We stuck it out for several more months, but ended up breaking things off. He wanted help, but ultimately wasn’t ready to do what was needed to beat his addiction.
Your feelings during the time you were dealing with this mirror my own. I lost almost 20 pounds simply because I could not eat. I felt worthless, unlovely, and was told that I was over-reacting. I literally cried myself to sleep for months. Although things got a little better before we called things off, I still struggled to trust him, to respect him, and to believe in him. I was willing to work at the relationship, but I am truly thankful that the Lord did not allow that to happen.
Before this happened to me, I knew pornography was wrong, but I never dreamed the horrific impact it had on a person’s life. This is a real hurt. It is not imagined and is a deep betrayal. I would never wish this experience on anyone, but I am glad that God in His sovereignty allowed me to learn about it before my fiancé and I were married. I’m also thankful that God grew me in ways that I didn’t know I could be stretched. His grace is sufficient and He has allowed me to use my experiences to point other hurting girls, who have been touched by this issue, to the never-changing, all-wise God who can be trusted.
Thank you again for expressing the feelings of so many. Blessings.
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Great blog! Loved every word, God has really given you the ability to speak truth.
I just wanted to comment that though the Christian culture is really timid of talking about pornography, I’ve never even read anything about women and pornography. It’s always been about men.
The reason this bothers me so much is that when I was young, I was sexually molested. Being so I young, I was very confused about it, and so I looked to porn for answers. Being a young girl growing up in the church, I quickly discovered that what I was doing on the internet was not what God had planned for me. But by the time I realized, I was 9 years old, and had been watching pornography for 2 years. I looked for an outlet to help me, but everything I found was about men being addicted to porn. Finally, at the age of 13 I looked towards the female mentors in my life and started the slow and frustrating process of ending my addiction. 3 months before I turned 15, I swore that I would never watch pornography again, and I haven’t.
I am damaged.
It’s as simple as that. I had a crippling addiction to porn for just under 8 years. I still must seek and ask God to keep my heart clean, but I will never look at sex, marriage, and relationships in the way that God intended me to.
Praise the Lord for bringing me out of that pit. I can only pray that God will change the minds of Christian writers and leaders to understand that pornography is not just a struggle for men, sexual temptation is just as real for women.
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I just stumbled across this blog and this topic and was scrolling through the comments. You are not alone. There are MANY Christian women who have struggled with pornography. My story is very similar to yours. I think it’s just been a taboo subject for so long no one has had the courage to come forward before. Now I’ve come across several websites and ministries who minister specifically to women.
Praying for complete healing and restoration for you.
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Thank you for speaking out on this. It is not a well know topic. I had no idea my husband struggled with this sin until recently. I didn’t even think to ask because I didn’t know how big of a problem it was In this world. We are working through it but we have our days. Woman please talk to your husbands or boyfriends about this. It’s a sin that doesn’t just affect you but your marriage and your spouses walk with The Lord be that helper he has called us to be. Again thank you for sharing your story
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I do believe this is the best thing I’ve read on the topic. Let’s not ever diminish the evil of pornography! I’m 42 and I can tell you when I was growing up “pornos” were only for sickos: nobody would admit to using it. Pornography was for desperate men who slunk around back alleys and wore disguises to sneak into dirty shops. Now it’s normal?
And for those who “struggle” – that’s just an excuse for indulging your sin.
If lust is adultery and adultery is grounds for divorce…maybe husbands are not taking their vows seriously.
I have two preteen daughters and I am scared for them: how will they ever find a Christian man whose brain and sexuality has not been ruined by porn? Even if these men turn away from it, the damage has already been done. I stand with you in calling out this despicable practice. Nobody should be allowed to think this is not a most serious sin with consequences that shake the very foundations of our society.
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As a ‘normal’ man, unfortunately, I can relate to the issue of pornography. I was completely a slave to it in my late teens, and only recently in my early twenties have found freedom in Christ. I still struggle on rare, weak occasions, but those are becoming fewer and farther between, thankfully. 😀 Jesus is strong enough to save, and my testimony is one of victory in Christ!
I hope my past with porn won’t be a problem in any of my future relationships. Do you think a past problem with porn would (or should) be a big issue when considering whether to date someone? I know it affected the way I view women, but I’m in the process of recovery. Just wondering what you think 🙂
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So true… and the sad reality is that pornography has now filtered its way into the female society… Truth is that pornography affects both males and females and is detrimental to the spirit, soul and body… The bible says that sexual sin is a sin committed not only against God but against self… This awful stronghold must be broken and set all the captives free….
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Thank you so much, Lauren, for sharing with us what you went through. I know that couldn’t have been easy. So sorry about all of it. I do have a question, though. When you gave all the porn statistics, was that considered only the bigger stuff, or even just looking at a picture of a scantily-clad woman? What I’m trying to say is, how far does it have to go before it’s considered porn? These statistics are scary! It’s almost like I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at guys the same!
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Thank you for the helpful encouragement and reminder! This sin needs to stop being so “hush hush” and I am very happy with the stand you took to show me and so many other girls to be Aware.! The letters you wrote brought many tears to my eyes, I to know the pain you felt from what this horrible sin can do. As someone who has gone through this hurt, I know from experience you just want to conceal the pain of not being good enough. There are so many emotions and feelings, so thankful to have read this to know I’m not the only one–and even when people fail us, Jesus never does.
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I like what he said in the video “If you could just look into the cross and what happened up there you can surpass any sin”…. Eye-opening….
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[…] in this area. It destroys you, and you have to rebuild. (You can read my story in my article Pornography is not ok: what you don’t know can hurt you) I have witnessed marriages fall apart, women reduced to empty shells of what they once were […]
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