Let me preface this by saying, I am a girl. I don’t know what it is like to be a guy. I can talk to guys about it, read books and internet articles, but, unfortunately, I will never truly know what happens to a guy in a relationship or what goes through their minds. Furthermore, I do not believe that every guy is the same, just as every girl is not the same. I can only address what I see as problems with our generation from the female perspective. And since I am a girl, that is where I will start. Because, I truly believe that if we want things to change, and we want to start having successful relationships, we have to start with ourselves. We girls need to work together, and I think that it’s time that we start to expect more.
Exposed valuables always attract greedy thieves and crooks. -Ben Sebrell
This issue is touchy, but one that desperately needs to be addressed. “Clothing makes the man…” or, in our case, the woman. Ok girls, yes, SOME men are just pigs, and they are completely responsible for their actions, but did we ever stop to consider why we attract these men? Why men are allowed to be this way? That maybe, possibly, the problem starts with us, and how we present ourselves? It could, at the very least, be minimized by us…
I really believe the problem lies in our expectations, and, girls, it’s not that they are too high. What do we really expect out of the person we are dating, out of the relationship, and out of ourselves? What are we willing to do for or put up with for “love”?
This world is constantly telling us we need to be “sexy.” Every television show, commercial, magazine, and advertisement tells us this. That our only worth comes from what we are in the eyes of the opposite sex. If men think you are beautiful, and check you out at the mall, and ask you for your number or out to dinner, THEN, you are pretty special. If you have a man on your arm and by your side, then you are worthy of love. And if not? Well, then you are ugly, fat, and unworthy of love. Harsh, I know, but every single girl has thought that about herself at one point or another.
We push, and push, and push the message that real beauty and worth comes from the inside and that every girl is beautiful in her own way. This message is wonderful, and completely true, but if we don’t live what we preach then it means nothing. Instead, we lower our standards in the way we dress to attract these men who do not appreciate who we are on the inside. If we do not act and dress as though we are special, and beautiful, and worthy of love and respect, we will not be treated as though we are. We need to start backing up our message with the way we live, and they way we conduct ourselves in our relationships because we are WORTH more.
So why do we put ourselves through this when we know in our heads that “real beauty is on the inside”? Why? Because we would rather believe the lies of the world, and the lies of Satan. We may not consciously make that decision, but every time we put ourselves down, or start to feel worthless, or post a sexual and provocative picture on Facebook, we are choosing to believe a lie of Satan over what God has already told us. That our beauty and worth come solely from Jesus Christ’s presence in our heart and lives. So, instead of addressing our heart issue, we find and wear the most provocative clothing we can get away with. Then, we blame the men in our lives for only wanting us for our bodies, or looking at us in ways that make us uncomfortable… when we are blatantly putting ourselves out on display! Girls, if YOU put it out there, then, sorry, but it’s fair game.
You are in complete control of how men look at you. Expect more.
..from yourself, first, and then the men around you. You literally teach them what body parts they are allowed to gawk at by the way you dress; especially, to guys that have no self-control. We have only a small idea what it is like to have to be a guy, and how hard it is to control what goes through their heads. They are going to look at what you show them, bottom line… or struggle NOT to. That is not what we should be to our brothers in Christ, and we certainly are not going to attract the good guys this way. How can we expect to find a good guy who loves us for our hearts, when we shove our bodies in his face? When they find it hard to even look at us without compromising their thought life, let alone spend time in getting to know what is inside of us? When the truly good guys don’t want to be around us because of what we make them struggle with?
The way you dress either demands respect or invites disrespect. There is no middle ground. So often, we feel as though men don’t just deserve our respect; they have to earn it. Even when it comes to dress, it is easier for us to look at a man in a suit, and hold him in high regard right away simply because of the way he presents himself. It is not any different for women.
I am completely a girl, and I love to look pretty, and cute, and beautiful, but this can definitely be done in a classy, respectful way, keeping in mind the men around you and how you want them to think about you. I don’t dress like a frump, and neither should you! But the way most girls dress and present themselves (especially on social media sites) just does not send the message that they respect themselves and know their inner worth. Girls, good men WILL notice when you do dress in a way that honors God and respects yourself. You don’t even have to say anything. You will not attract the men who only want to see your body, that’s for sure, but is that not what we are sick of anyway?
I am not saying that men are not responsible for what they look at or think…they most certainly are and will answer to God for it, but we girls are a big problem in this area in which we beg for a solution. We need to take responsibility for what we display. Because no matter how strong a guy is spiritually, he is still a guy. God made men this way, and not on accident. God had a plan for men to be the pursuers in the relationship…. to WIN the girl’s heart; not her body. Then, after he wins her heart and commits to her, aka marriage, then he gets her body. He is just not going to commit to you if he has nothing to win because you have already given to him.
I’m also not saying that this will stop every man from treating every woman with disrespect, but it is a safeguard against it, and an area where we desperately need to take action. The fact of the matter is we CAN control how we are to be treated, and we are responsible in this area. If we want to be “wanted” for our bodies, then that is a heart issue. However, I’m pretty sure that every girl wants to be loved for everything that is inside of her that is beautiful, not just our physical. In order for this to happen, we need to stand up for ourselves. We need to start expecting more out of the way we dress. Expecting more out of ourselves, so that we can expect more out of the men around us. Let’s raise the bar together, girls. We all need to do our part so that men will figure out how we want to be treated, because of the way we treat ourselves. Together, we will start attracting the good men, and the kind of attention we get because we are beautiful on the inside. Because Jesus Christ calls you more special than what we so often think, let’s live up to His standards.
thefulltimegirl.com 
So true……
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I’m a Christian dude and I can agree with this blog post.
“The way you dress either demands respect or invites disrespect”
#Boom
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Very true!
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Well said! I can agree whole-heartedly with this article. You get what you attract and Lauren makes a lot of good points to this affect. I think it is time that our generation brings back a good sense of morality in the way we dress and convey ourselves to the lost!
Keep them coming Lauren 🙂
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Well, I may sound like my Grandmother here, but isn’t this the lesson she always taught anyway?? As young ladies we often don’t listen – feelings of peer pressure, competition and just desire for living our lives sometimes clouds our logic. Just remember, It’s difficult to find that “one in a million” if you don’t step apart from the other 999,000!
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I Agree 100% with this one. Thanks for sharing this. I think everybody need to read this especially the younger generation like us.
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So true. As a married man, I can tell you that I always wanted a princess to be my queen. Now, I didn’t always know what that princess should look like, but by God’s grace I learned. If a girl is willing to be a princess, she will be found by her prince.
We guys are not innocent in this either though, and need to work to recognize true beauty, and not just cheap surface material. Girls feel pressure to be shallow because the world of men has said that is what they want. Godly guys need to let it be known that we don’t want that. Remember girls, if you are a princess, that means the King(God) is your father. Every knight knows that princesses are found close to the “King.”
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This is really good and well put. My boss is a Christian man and we had a talk about this very subject. Keep them coming Lauren….
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Thank you for so gently and realistically putting this touchy subject. It goes beyond the “well, that’s what I’ve always been told” mindset into the practicality.
May I also add, that as a wife it is extremely disheartening to have to screen my husband’s Facebook because of the pictures girls are posting. While trying to catch the eye of other guys for attention, my husband has eyes, too. Let’s just say his friends list keeps getting smaller and smaller.
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Wow, all lot of interest has been generated by this post.
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So true, Lauren! I agree!
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Amazing.
thefulltimegirl, you’ve managed to speak this incredible truth in such a non-offensive and caring way, that I am blow away.
This message couldn’t be more true and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting in the time and effort to write it and for posting it.
I’m a 20 year old guy, and I can’t explain how much I agree or how much it has moved me, so I won’t try to, but I am posting this to my facebook.
Thank you
-Nathan
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Great stuff. I genuinely enjoyed the read
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As a Christian man, I can say with complete honesty that 1- I wish more women understood this concept like you do and lived with this in mind. And 2- your husband will not only be blessed by your beauty but also your beautiful heart. you are very much deserving of hearty “YOU GO GIRL!” from all the men you know.
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That is so true!!! Totally agreee!!
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Right on!
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This is something that every young lady should read. It gives good advice on how to be treated like a lady based the person the world see. Great article.
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I came upon your blog on Carol Schulter’s facebook page. Very well said. I try to teach (sometimes to non-listening ears unfortunately) the young girls and young women that I come across to understand that they are a treasure. If you treasure yourself, you will find a man who treat you like a treasure — something of great value. Keep sharing this so-very-needed message. God bless you.
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I am Baptist Preacher, 19 years old. And I in totality agree with this post.
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Wonderful, wonderful post! Praise the Lord I was raised with modest dress standards but I’ve still from time to time fallen prey in my mind to that lie you were talking about, that we have to be sexy to attract attention to feel special. And then had to fight it with the Truth. 🙂 This is a lot that all girls need to think about whether they’ve been raised “right” or not because it’s a decision that all girls need to make at one point in their lives. Sharing it now so that all of the girls I know can read! Thanks!
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I am in awe of how this article portrays the woman. I agree with mostly everything. There is one thing that you might have put in here about abuse and pain that women have gone through in their lives that also makes them think they are worthless and unworthy to be loved. Past experiences play a big part of what women do to themselves in the present. This kind of reaction should also be addressed in which they should seek counseling so that they are able to know that God sees value in them, etc. thank you very much for the article!
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Found your blog from Mark Gungor’s fb page. Great job!
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Wow, very interesting and so true. God bless
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I’m a 31-year-old widower who was married to a modestly- and well-dressed woman for 5 1/2 years. I’m searching for another godly woman whom I can love with all my heart, and wanted to share some thoughts/agreements/encouragements from knowing a woman’s perspective intimately and also from the perspective of a guy-who’s-looking. (I also have a 3 1/2-year-old daughter who I am already careful to dress appropriately — it’s ridiculous they sell bikinis for toddlers — and will certainly teach her to do the same over the years.)
I agree (as would my late wife) about what was said about not only dressing modestly, but also to not dress frumpy. Her comment was always that “every woman needs to dress for her body type.” And now that I’m “looking,” it’s very plain to see those women who are dressing immodestly, and I immediately turn my eyes. As was stated here, it not only has the potential to make me stumble, but also shows me that she is not a woman of the character I desire. I want a woman who respects who she is: that means modest clothing that is a good fit and a right fit. It’s also very obvious when a woman dresses herself well.
From the women I’ve talked to, it sounds as though most worry they have the wrong body type. I just want to say that any body type can be well-dressed and look beautiful if you care enough to respect yourself and the men around you in the way you dress.
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Thank you so much for your thoughts, Brad!
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[…] have written about modesty before. I have written about why we need to modest in “Men are Pigs?” I have written about why Jesus expects us to be modest in “Jesus Doesn’t Care What I […]
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I came across your blog through twitter Lauren, this is the first of your articles I have read but I can see I will be reading more.
Most articles or discussions I’ve seen/heard on this topic usually point the finger at one gender or the other. It’s refreshing to read what I believe is a well balanced discussion on the matter.
I too am a single dad with one teen and one pre-teen daughter. This topic has come up several times already and it is encouraging to read. In fact my oldest has even used the word frumpy when asking if that’s how I want her to dress. I will be sharing this article with them.
Also, as a single man, I have struggled with this as it is all around. I would like to find that Proverbs 31 woman who catches my attention by her character and not by what she’s wearing or how she wears it.
thanks again!
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That is so good to hear! I have also done several “Fashion Friday” posts that feature readers from all over who send in their fashionably modest outfits just to prove it can be done! :] I’m so glad I can be a help to you and your girls! God bless!
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I completely agree with the importance of being modest and the reasons why modesty is a good thing for relationships. I’m not talking about modest purely in terms of how we dress, but also in terms of how we speak to one another and what we consume (pride and consumerism are entirely separate but equality sinful issues as lust). Modesty does carry the power to refocus our attention to the fullness of creation that God intends us to see.
However, I have to be quite honest and say that there is a ton of legalism in how faith leaders have tackled this issue and that’s the reason why the message of modesty (particularly when directed to young people) has fallen, for the most part, on deaf ears. There is absolutely NOTHING any of us can do to earn God’s satisfaction, acceptance, love, or saving grace. Following God’s Law doesn’t earn us anything. This is exactly what the Apostle Paul is talking about in Romans 7, particularly verses 21-25. What the Law does do is it shows us our need for a savior and that’s where Christ steps in. He takes on our sin; our inability to meet God’s standard of perfection set forth in the Law (I disagree with the charge: “let’s live up to His standards” because it’s impossible), and He endures death on a cross so that we can be free from having to meet the standard.
Now does that mean that we’re free to do whatever we want? Absolutely! That’s the scandalous nature of God’s grace. There are some people who will abuse it. Does that mean we should do whatever we want? Absolutely not! God’s grace, the essence of the gospel message, should birth a desire to submit ourselves to the Lord and obey Him. So in a roundabout way, I’m saying this: don’t dress modestly because you think it pleases God or because you think you can gain something from Him. You can’t; you can’t earn more (love, acceptance, etc) from God that what you’ve already been given in Christ. Dress modestly because you understand the mercy and the grace that you’ve been given and thirst for obedience and submission. It is there you will find freedom.
Now how does that all tie into relationships between men and women? We have a model of that relationship as Christ refers to the church as His bride. While I’m not implying that a man is a savior for His wife or vice versa, I am saying that we are to model the grace extended to us in Christ to our current or future spouses. It’s extremely difficult to part with the conditionality that we as humans place on the love we show to others, but Christ points to doing just that in His relationship with the church. So, with that being said, the key to a healthy and prosperous relationship (and I say this a single guy still looking for the one), is to stop trying to earn something and instead to extend grace unconditionally and believe that obedience, trust, joy, and satisfaction will spring forth.
Great post Lauren. I’d love to have more conversations with you about faith, grace, and being a light in a dark world.
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Although I believe that this was one for the girls, I think (my personal opinion, as a guy) that this has meant an equal amount to the men. In fact, I think in the same way that women want men who ‘pursue’ them for their heart and inner beauty, I believe that all men (no matter how big a ‘pig’ he is) want to chase after women for that exact reason. To the men, I heard this quote once – “How can you expect a child to find a father in God, if the child can’t find something Godly in a father”. Fill yourself with the spirit of Christ and pursue God’s heart and ask Him for guidance.
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Wow. I love this. Oh and the one about break-ups! This helps a lot. Thank you 🙂
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I agree with a lot of this. The thing is, if a man wants to look at a woman in an inappropriate or sexual way, then he will. You cannot force a man to see you in a respectful way, any more than you can force him to see you as an object. You can however influence the way others think of you. I dress modestly not because “men can’t control themselves”, or because my parents told me to, or to protect myself, I dress modestly because I respect MYSELF. I am sending that message out there, that what I wear says that I know I am worthy of respect, whether you choose to ignore that or not is up to you, but I will not wear something that sends a message that does not fit with who I am. Thanks so much for supporting modesty! It’s nice to know that others are out there. 🙂
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